"It was Christmas Eve, and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a portly, bearded gentleman stuffing yet another new mobile phone into an old sock."

Peer pressure is a wonderful thing. When I was younger it was all about cigarettes, cheap cider, and ineffective spliffs (sorry, Ms Widdecombe). Now it's mobile phones. And the peer pressure doesn't stop when you get older. While in a pub with some friends the other night, I was roundly abused for not having my own mobile phone. But there are reasons for my abstention. Three of them, in fact.

1) Being an anti-social git, the idea of having a device that allows anyone to contact me at any time doesn't fill me with pleasure. I know you can switch them off, but people don't. The most common phrase used on mobile phones must be "I'm on a train. I'll be home in ten minutes." (like a reverse parody of Trigger-Happy TV). Presumably this is to give adulterers time to escape.

2) Being vaguely technically-minded, the idea of placing a powerful near-microwave transmitter next to my brain doesn't seem very clever. Electromagnetic waves tend to heat up the medium through which they travel - i.e. your brain - and while that might be great for a short-term increase in reaction time, it's strikes me as being about as safe as buying a bag of pills from a bloke outside Kings Cross station and washing them down with a bottle of meths (and I'm sure we've all been there, eh Ann?).

3) And, being lazy, I really can't be bothered. Having actually owned a mobile phone for two years ('96-'98), the defining moment was when my wife rang it to find out which pub I was currently comatose in, and it rang back at her from the desk drawer...

But I'm in the minority, and mobile phones are everywhere. Recent statistics claim that 50 percent of adults and 75 percent of teenagers own one. They're cool, they're subversive, they're tiny packages of electronics that have been expertly marketed. In the case of WAP, they're also fundamentally disappointing, but that's probably just a temporary glitch in the trend.

This Christmas, an estimated five million mobile phones will be given as presents. Soon, everyone in the UK (except me, obviously) will own a mobile phone. At this point, some strange things will start happening. You won't need bank cards any more, you'll just use your phone to pay bills, withdraw cash, etc. And emergency services will be able to find out which lamp-post you've been handcuffed to just by tracking your phone. Clever, eh?

Of course, it won't be long before such technology is also available to the public. This could be a problem. For example, here are some excuses employed by people everywhere for being home late, along with their possible true meanings;

- "I have to work late" (I'm going to the pub)
- "This meeting's dragging on a bit" (I'm going to the pub)
- "My train's been cancelled" (I'm going to the pub)
- "I'm going to the pub" (I'm having an affair)

How do you find out the truth of these statements, if you're the other half? Simple. Just use SpouseTracker(TM*). Type the mobile phone number into the Web page, and it'll tell you where your spouse is at that moment. Or at least, where their phone is. Expect the divorce rate to shoot up dramatically once we can all track each other.

That's enough waffle for one year. Have a great Christmas and New Year. I'm off to the pub.