The three independent developers of Stalin vs Martians must have been big fans of the Command & Conquer: Red Alert series, probably admiring the crazy OTT scenario of Russians tinkering with time, using strange forces like Armoured War Bears, Sonic Dolphins and telekinetic Japanese schoolgirls, together with a driving soundtrack to keep the adrenaline up.

That can be the only explanation for them devising a nonsensical game in which Russia is invaded in 1942 by Martians and Stalin puts you in charge of the motherland's forces to defeat the invaders. Not only that but we're assured that this is not going to be conventional RTS fare: rather it's just a “light-hearted arcade-style game.”

So, true to its remit, from the off we're subjected to a relentlessly pounding Russian techno-pop soundtrack that occasionally relates to the action but frequently is used to show off the band's latest single, before often crashing the game. Stalin himself gives you your mission details via a personally signed letter (complete with kisses) and periodically urges you to dance more.

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There's no tutorial but we doubt whether you'll need one as the other novelty of this strategy game is there appears to be virtually no strategy. There's no city-building or technology trees: you just start each mission with a set number of (usually) tanks and troops and you then either advance on the enemy and destroy them or defend a position from attack. As enemies are overcome you're rewarded with power-up coins which provide you with extra money, health, armour, speed and attack power.

The money coins are the most useful as they enable you to buy reinforcements from a drop-down menu. The whole idea is to keep the action moving and the comedy level high. Unfortunately Mezmer scores an epic fail on both counts.

The maps are tiny, there's no control over the camera position and pathfinding is at best wayward. The scaling is peculiar: enemy ‘infantry' are miniature dots that appear like a rash, while your infantry are at least three times bigger. Stalin himself appears in the later missions as a giant, while more powerful enemy units are roughly half his size.

Your units move sluggishly until they're given attack commands, when they suddenly act like greyhounds on speed. In addition, your forces are frequently attacked by missiles fired off-screen that you can't combat, there are serious clipping issues and supposedly witty troop comments like "My name's Ivan, I like you" rapidly become intensely irritating.

Infantry in particular have a habit of wandering off on their own and triggering severe reprisals, and power-ups sometimes vanish when you're approaching them. You'll be running, screaming, back to C & C: Red Alert long before you get to the third mission.

To have an amusing idea for a fun RTS game is not a crime but to produce one with no strategy, aggravating music, bad pathfinding and controls, while full of bugs and imbalances, should lead to a court martial.